When I got pregnant with my second child, I was nervous. Financially I hadn’t really recovered from my first child, the resulting lawsuit with the father, or the years afterward of paying off hospital bills because I didn’t have insurance for my newborn. Money wasn’t all of it though, I didn’t know if I was physically ready to face another c-section after the incredibly invasive and unnecessary one my first child was brought into the world by. I knew that there was no way to stage off another lawsuit knowing how my baby’s daddy liked to roll. I suspected while my family was supportive of my dumb ass moving home and sponging off their hospitality with my first kid, the second would be seen in a less favorable light. And I make my money by leading exercise classes. In a highly competitive market I had just started coming up into the employable and even requested line of sight… And then I got pregnant.
Overnight all the freedom I had cultivated and the years of hard work I had put in to establish myself along with thousands of dollars of education and all matter of back breaking hard work (literally and figuratively) evaporated before my eyes. I was finally getting there. I knew that the choice to have a baby would stop me dead in my tracks. Was I ready for that?
It took me basically 9 months to get ready to welcome the baby into the world. I was taking care of everyone and I didn’t know how to stop. Plus I just knew that it was going to be difficult to keep going when a little one came along. You do forget what it means to have a baby when your child is school age, but you remember that somehow it engulfed all your spare time and you didn’t even notice until sometime a year or three later.
I knew that I was going to be a mommy because that’s what is in my heart and soul. I love kids and I’ve found motherhood to be one of the most amazing gifts I’ve ever received next to being born. 🙂 I had a hard time letting go of my aspirations and dreams to be a mommy this time around. I really wanted to do so many things which were possible… But I wanted to meet this little person that grew inside me more.
And everyday I’m more and more thankful that I got to meet this perfect little being that has brought and continues to bring so much bliss into my family’s life. Those little smiles and adoring eyes melt my heart and show me that there is nothing more precious in this world than the privilege of meeting and caring for such amazing tiny people. I love the way the newborn adores the eldest and I love the special connection each person has with the baby. And of course, I love being with this special little one everyday. It feels like my life is complete and happy even when there are things I am lacking or sad things happen. Waking up to a huge smile and knowing there is at least one person in the world that thinks unwaveringly and unquestionably that you’re number one makes my day.
And yes, my “fears” were totally founded. The court case quickly escalated with my scheduled appearance planned for my due date! The court refused to change it- lame! But that’s another story- and my family has had mixed and odd reactions to my second pregnancy though who can deny an adorable baby? (Answer is No One… forever anyway. Maybe for awhile). And I had to stop working for at least 3 months while my body prepared for birth and then healed from birth but I never went back because it was just never that important after the first second I held my child in my arms and gazed into their eyes.
And that’s really the point- none of it is really that important when you have kids. Your kids are important and that’s it. Holding my baby close to my heart, wrapping baby up and walking about and just feeling this warm adoring little body next to mine is what matters. My life feels complete because of my kids and I am thankful. The outside life of moving fast, traveling from place to place without care or concern except for getting there… All of that is devoid of meaning now knowing the joy of motherhood. My children are my meaning and while I have feared stepping into womanhood at points, I’m so grateful to know this joy.
I wouldn’t change it for the world because my babies are my world.
And while I’d like to end it on such a happy poetic note, I must make it clear that while I’ve chosen this path of babies and births for myself, I stand in defense of those who don’t choose to go through with a pregnancy. I always say parenting is the best worst thing ever and I mean it. I can’t go back in time to when I was pregnant with my first child and his “father” was trying to force me to have an abortion and enlisting the assistance of his mother no less. I chose to go through because what could I possibly know of consequences or even babies and motherhood? Nothing! The pain of realizing you can’t protect your child, that you can’t stop yourself from being a stupid parent (you know, like your parents), that you are never going to be able to drink, smoke, throw caution to the wind again because you have to live as long as possible for this little person is incomparable. But the joy they bring you is so off the charts it has no words. I would never tell a single person to make this choice but I would never deny this joy to a soul either.
Because my child suffers and that hurts in ways words cant describe, but when they smile I forget there was ever a thing called pain. Just like my first born and like the baby I was scared to have.